Solve For Existential
Troubleshooting First, Asking Questions Never
Finding solutions to problems is never easy. Especially when that solution creates newer, different problems that require newer, different solutions.
Running a corporation is a war of attrition. The enemy? Causality.
In our quest for cosmic reach, Oddly Pacific Corp has manifested a problem of immense existential magnitude. We are beset by accelerating anomalous activity and malevolent cosmic entities that want to whittle away our sanity and wear our skin.
But rather than submit to this hostile new reality, OPC has made the executive decision to double down and escalate.
It’s time for some shock and awe. OPC style.
ASSESSING AND PRIORITIZING THE THREAT
Before we can act, we first need to analyze the situation, create data sets, and use this information to focus in on problems that require immediate solutions.
What follows are OPC’s most urgent matters, arranged by priority:
PRIORITY ONE: Removing The Threat Of Immediate Annihilation
Anomalies and Greater Entities are active universal threats that could wipe OPC off the map at any given moment. Despite being classified as a ‘Multidimensional’ Mega Corporation, OPC only exists in one universe, on one Earth, situated in [REDACTED].
If we are destroyed, it’s game over.
And then what? Who's going to fix this mess? Our competitors? Please.
OPC needs to shield itself from destruction, and we needed to do it yesterday.
PRIORITY TWO: Mitigating the Influence and Threat Of Greater Entities
How do you solve a problem like Rebecka? Entities that fall into the Great Old One subcategory are as powerful as they are intelligent. They wield the forces of the cosmos like a weapon and possess a level of reach we could only aspire to.
We can’t fight them, so that’s out. Because they exist in both the physical and abstract realms, they’re technically immortal. If we destroyed their body in this realm, their metaphysical form would simply regenerate another body and we’d be right back where we started. Only this time, they would have a personal vendetta against us. No thanks. We’ll pass on that opportunity.
Dealing with these Greater Entities would require a more cunning solution.
PRIORITY THREE: Localized Anomaly Minimization
Anomalous activity is a problem across all reality. But it would be impossible to handle these effects on a scale of infinite. Obviously.
We would instead aim our focus on the OPC complex itself. Having the building not fold in on itself six times a day would be incredibly beneficial. Not having to endure the same Teams meeting 17 times in a row would be also be nice.
[Believe me, watching head of sales give a silent monologue wears really thin after the 3rd time. When you are pushing 17, you start to get a little homicidal. TURN YOUR MIC ON, RALPH OR I SWEAR TO GOD!]
Listen. You can only hold onto your sanity for so long. Then the floor is the sky. Suddenly, you’re breaking into the armory and heading down to the mailroom to deliver a belt-fed message to your coworkers.
If we could nullify anomalies within the workplace, we could minimize psychotic breaks. This would shift morale and productivity towards optimal levels.
PRIORITY FOUR: Lesser Entity Countermeasures
Compared to their greater counterparts, lesser entities are cockroaches. Pests from beyond the veil, sent here to torment and annoy. The OPC complex is rife with them, always trying to eat our staff and infect our infrastructure.
Some we’ve learned to tolerate. Like our digital doomsayer friend, Flamingo92. But they’re the exception, not the rule.
The rest? Straight to hell.
We would need to devise a strategy to send them there.
PRIORITY FIVE: Strengthening Our Portal System
We’ll be honest: our portals were a rushed project. We were too confident in our ability to get it right the first time. Was this because we were pressured by The Board to get the project up and running before the end of the fiscal year?
Maybe. But you won’t hear that from us.
The fact remains that our portals are half-baked and unstable. This may or may not be the reason certain systems didn’t work as intended. This may also directly correlate to the chain of events that led to this little existential dilemma we now find ourselves in.
Either way, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that our portals are bad plumbing. Our dimensional pipes are leaky, prone to blockages, and experience an alarming amount of backfill.
There’s also lead in them. Time to call a plumber.
PROPOSED SOLUTIONS, AN INSIGHT INTO CORPORATE HUBRIS
After highlighting these five key issues, we took our findings to The Board. After a round of meetings [and 3 time loops], we were able to come up with solutions both practical and impractical. These solutions were condensed and sorted into a list of operations designed to solve our existential concerns once and for all.
Here’s how we plan to fix this mess:
OPERATION: OPC ETERNAL
Summary: Tether the OPC Complex to the Astral Plane
Overview:
By anchoring OPC in the liminal plane of the collective subconscious, we could exist outside of time and space. No longer constrained, OPC would become a metaphysical constant, capable of existing in every universe and at all points in time.
Storing OPC’s root directory in the non-corporeal backbone of reality would have the following benefits:
Threat of annihilation becomes a non-issue: By existing as an abstract concept outside of the physical realm, we would no longer need to concern ourselves with existential threats. We’d be like a hydra with infinite heads.
Increased reach: The astral plane acts as a nexus. Being connected to it would increase our portal efficiency by up to 200%. This turns tunnels into doors. No more leaks, no more falling out of reality. Instant access to anywhere and when, without all the risk. All we’d have to do is build the door frames.
Previously inaccessible opportunities: By having a direct line to this realm, we also gain access to the dream world, the psychic energy of all living beings, and the key to unlocking ancient esoteric magics. This opens the door to new innovations, such as dream advertisements and always knowing if you’re mad at us.
The Astral Plane is an untapped well brimming with potential. To access this potential, we would require an entirely new department.
The Metaphysical Intelligence Division (MID) would be a dedicated team focused on the study and use of Astral Frequencies (AF). MID would consist of theoretical physicists, ontologists, and occultists, who would work together to implement this operation.
This was our boldest move yet. If successful, we would become unstoppable.
OPERATION: MOTHERBOARD
Summary: Cosmic Entity Partnership
Overview:
How do you overcome a cosmic threat like the Unseen Queen?
Simple: You offer them a seat on the board of directors, a 30% stake in the company, and voting rights on all executive matters. As well as an entire office floor full of adoring fans.
In exchange for this, we would ask the following:
Stability: Rebecka’s alluring charm, psychic intuition, and ancient wisdom make her the perfect stabilizing force within the workplace. Acting as a soft but stern presence in our HR infrastructure, Rebecka could offer guidance counseling, dimensional dread therapy, and cosmic mentoring. By positioning her as a positive maternal figure within the company, we could establish a baseline of positive morale.
Look. Sometimes all you need is a 7-foot-tall space-queen to hold you and tell you "everything is going to be okay."
[Note: Outline a policy against ritualistic activity. The implications are a minefield for HR and legal]
Protection: By positioning Rebecka within OPC’s corporate infrastructure, she would be an effective deterrent against other cosmic threats. Her status as a great old one and living existential threat makes her a formidable ally.
Knowledge: Rebecka has staged crusades across entire dimensions for billions of years. She is an archive of multiversal data and cosmic intel. By acting as our consultant for interdimensional matters, we would be better prepared for everything reality throws at us.
Power: Believe it or not, OPC has enemies. Our foes range from corporate competitors and government bureaucrats to disgruntled ex-employees and fascist regimes. The connective thread here is that they all deserve to be destroyed. Not just locally, but across the entire multiverse, in all timelines. Forever.
Rebecka is a living weapon and an apex predator. She has a hunger. If we could deploy her to crush our enemies, we’d satisfy a need in both directions.
[It also gives her less incentive to prey on OPC staff]
By entering into a mutually beneficial arrangement and symbiotic business partnership with Rebecka, it eliminates her as a threat and transforms her into an asset. It’s genius.
OPERATION: FLAMINGO LASER EYES
Summary: Re-purpose Flamingo 92 As An Automated Entity Defense System Overview:
We’ve grown fond of our digital flamingo friend. They’re a bit of a doomer, but it’s funny and cute because the doom never comes.
We recently found the root file for Flamingo92. We made a copy and placed it on an isolated sandbox where our tech-alchemists could study the source code.
Why? So they could reverse-engineer it into a sentient weapons platform. That’s why.
We named this new version ‘Flamingo 9000’ and trained it to identify and eradicate other entities in a simulated environment. [We made it play through Quake from start to finish]
It was incredibly effective. Perhaps too effective. Its hatred for cosmic entities now borders on obsession.
Nevertheless. Our intent is to install this version onto a quantum supercomputer connected to its own isolated network. This network would give Flamingo 9000 direct access to security cameras equipped with metaphysical sensors, as well as a legion of sentry turrets and armed security droids. It would also be able to initiate targeted remote lockdowns of any section of the building.
Obviously this is a brilliant idea with zero potential for catastrophic failure.
OPERATION: IONCLAD
Summary: Stabilize The OPC Complex
Overview:
In order to prevent anomalous activity within the OPC complex, we will attempt to install a full-scale Faraday lattice into the shell of the building. We will combine this physical shielding system with a quantum shield-array. Once actioned, this would increase local reality cohesion by 75%.
This is science for “we’re gonna fortify the building against bad reality stuff from happening and it’ll work sometimes."
By re-establishing a semblance of normalcy within the workplace, there’ll be less interruption, less weirdness, and fewer employees losing their minds.
It’s a win-win.
IMPLEMENTATION?
[PARADOX DETECTED IN: TEMPORAL NARRATIVE]
[RECALIBRATING…] [LOADING: ‘HERE & NOW’]
[ERROR: ‘HERE & NOW’ NOT FOUND]
[LOADING BACKUP PROTOCOL: R̸͈͉͇̉͛́̆̓͝É̴͚̹̦̟̟͐̋̂͊͌͛́̕Ḑ̸̰̥͖͔̱̘̯̣͉̄A̷͉͈̲̮͌͐̀̈͜͝C̷̡̛͙̱̺̬͖̞̯̼͐̍͛̃̔͝T̴͉͝Ẻ̸̡̛͔͑͊͌̾̈̚͝͠Ḑ̴̲͙̤̬̽̀̌͒͑͛̀ͅ]
We’ve made some bold proposals here. You may be asking how we’ll pull this off. You may be left questioning our methods. Maybe you have ethical concerns. Perhaps you’re worried about the implications of a corporation gaining too much power.
First of all: How dare.
Second of all: We would never disclose the exact implementation methods for highly sensitive operations on a Low Level Clearance channel. We’re a professional organization that understands the risk of disclosure.
Besides, the how isn’t important. Because it’s already been done.
Surprised? Maybe you’re new here. Don’t be confused by the narrative inconsistencies and where you relate to time in relation to us. We exist outside of time. You don’t. This leads to paradoxical errors.
Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.
Anyway. We hope you enjoyed this lesson in “Making big steps and moving quietly.”
While you were getting caught up, we were silently stepping on reality’s face.
IN CLOSING
When you become incompatible with the new normal and reality becomes your mortal enemy, there’s only one card you can play: The adapt card.
You play this card by establishing yourself as a metaphysical force of nature to rival all past, present, and future threats.
That’s how you win. Not with passive-aggressive emails and kind regards, but by embracing existential madness and letting it propel you to new heights.
All for the satisfaction of looking reality in the eye and going, “Is that it?”
Welcome to the real Oddly Pacific Corp. We’re so glad you could join us, finally.
What took you so long?
-OPC out
i hope rebecka takes the job
In order to prevent anomalous activity within the OPC complex, we will attempt to install a full-scale Faraday lattice into the shell of the building. We will combine this physical shielding system with a quantum shield-array. Once actioned, this would increase local reality cohesion by 75%.
This is science for “we’re gonna fortify the building against bad reality stuff from happening and it’ll work sometimes."HAHAHAHA Bloody brilliant!!!!