The OPC Guide to Office Engagement
'SNAFU' POLICIES AND PROCEDURES
Here at Oddly Pacific Corp, we’re always leveraging goal-oriented solution synergy within key-market areas of cosmic interest. We move the needle on quick wins, ensuring that our core competency aligns with deliverable best practices. To reach our goals with optimal efficiency, all employees and stakeholders must follow optimal narrative-syntax engagement policies that align with an illusionary veneer of diction-based efficiency.
What did we just say? It doesn’t matter. It sounded like we said something, and that’s the point.
Here’s the deal: an office environment is corporate theater. In playing the role of a compliant office drone, you’re expected to know the script without ever being handed one.
Until now.
Here at OPC, we like to do things differently. We believe there’s no point in leaving everything up to suggestion, especially since the emotional state of our coworkers influences anomalous astral outcomes.
By ensuring everyone is on the same page and interacting according to policy, emotion can take a back seat, allowing us to regain control of operations.
In this guide we’ll walk you through full assimilation into the office-culture hivemind. By following these instructions, you’ll be indistinguishable from anyone else.
Remember: at the office, you’re a cog, not a person.
This guide will act as the oil that keeps that cog turning, ensuring the corporate machine keeps running without incident.
OPC engagement policy is followed through the following practices:
Superficial Hivemind Operational Practice (SHOP)
Command Response Integrity and Sycophantic Politeness Protocol (CRISP-P)
Framework for Linguistic Accuracy and Navigation (FLAN)
Together they form the Standardized Nexus for Alignment, Formality and Uncertainty (SNAFU).
SNAFU ensures that:
Everyone appears aligned (SHOP)
Deferential standards are enforced (CRISP-P)
Nothing is explicitly stated outright (FLAN)
Let’s take a look.
SHOP - Putting the “Super” in Superficial
Your coworkers are not your friends. However, it is required that all workers maintain a surface-level state of agreeableness, alignment, and goals-focused unity. To achieve this, follow these rules to ensure SHOP compliance.
Greetings
Standard greeting ritual:
“Hi [name], how are you?”
Acceptable answers
“Good, and you?”
“Can’t complain.”
“Loving life.”
“Living the dream.”
“Mondays, am I right?”
Unacceptable answers
“I feel terrible.”
“My life is a mess.”
“I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“I’m behind on five projects.”
“I feel like my soul is fracturing across several dimensions at once. Somebody help me.”
Acceptable answers work because they close the loop with a bare-minimum surface-level responses; no further engagement required.
Unacceptable answers don’t work because: no one cares.
Besides, inviting a deeper connection violates company policy. Don’t.
Small Talk
Only during your breaks may you engage coworkers further. All conversation must default to the level of small talk. Medium or large talk is strictly prohibited.
Approved topics
The weather
Sports
Work
Disallowed topics (examples only)
The current situation on Zebilath 468
Rebecka the Unseen Queen’s relationships
Any complex, nuanced, or polarizing topics
Your personal life
SHOP Friction Policy
Because most of our workforce is human, mistakes happen. When they do, deploy these strategies:
Offer Critique - Focus on the work, not the person. Sandwich the issue between two praise points and badge it a “learning opportunity.”
Escalate - If that fails, forward facts (never feelings) “For visibility” to the relevant manager. Documentation = future leverage.
Resolve Conflict - Stay factual, use “I” statements, seek a tolerable solution, and capture everything in email.
Getting CRISP-P — How Not to Get Beaten with the Chain of Command
CRISP-P is the assessment metric that observes how well you communicate with your superiors. Your performance is monitored and scored by an embedded cognitive-compliance algorithm present in all OPC systems. We call this your CRISP-P score.
This score is visible to all superiors and determines outcomes such as:
Likelihood of a raise or promotion
Workload and project allocation
Reassignment to less-favorable departments (Sub-Basement X, Entity Containment Compound, Mail Room)
Quality of reference
Performance-review outcomes
Chances of being fed to the Gaping Maw of Eternal Screaming
For ethical and legal reasons, we cannot disclose the true nature of the CRISP-P algorithm, but know that you are constantly being rated on the following factors:
Politeness and respect
Brown-nosing
Eagerness vs. over-eagerness
Email response timing
Reverence (Rebecka-specific metric)
Passive aggressiveness
Assertiveness and boundaries
Accountability
After-hours compliance.
Don’t over think it. By understand hierarchical structure, knowing your place and by minding your P’s and Q’s - you’ll be fine. Theoretically.
FLAN - Putting the “Denial” in Plausible Deniability
FLAN is a method of delivering strategic language payloads via subtext. It combines double-speak and lingo to create what’s known as a syntax-convergence zone. Staying in this zone keeps you sounding professional while avoiding direct statements. Using FLAN keeps Legal, HR, and Public Relations off your back.
Remember: words are spells as much as they are tools; method and intent are more important than the words themselves.
The Two Components of FLAN
Double-speak - Reframing reality by saying something else. Optics before honesty.
Lingo - Neutral shorthand that compresses complex ideas into digestible word-nuggets.
FLAN Implementation Strategy
The syntax-convergence zone rests comfortably between meaning and nonsense. Here are some common FLAN phrases:
“I need to get my ducks in a row.”
Subtext: “I am delaying this action due to an imaginary set of prerequisites.”
Use: Buy time behind an illusion of priority.
Example: “Once I have all my ducks in a row, I’ll work toward fixing the reality tear in Corridor 3F.”
“Please advise.”
Subtext: “I don’t know what I’m doing; now it’s your problem.”
Use: Delegate responsibility when something goes pear-shaped.
Example: “The break room is full of squid again. Please advise.”
“I’ll circle back.”
Subtext: “Next time you hear from me, this had better be done.”
Use: Set a vague follow-up expectation.
Example: “No worries. I’ll circle back when you’re no longer trapped inside the time loop.”
“Per my last email …”
Subtext: “Did you even read what I sent you?”
Use: Passive-aggressively remind someone of prior communication.
Example: “Per my last email, it appears our portal systems are malfunctioning.”
“Keeping you in the loop.”
Subtext: “Now you’re also accountable for this.”
Use: Create a paper trail of knowledge.
Example: “There’s something wrong with the portal system. Keeping you in the loop while we investigate.”
“Kind regards.”
Subtext: “I’m overcompensating with politeness to soften the blow.”
Use: Passive-aggressive sign-off. Adjust politeness to increase impact.
Example: “It has come to my attention that Sectors 5B and 8A have become non-Euclidean spaces, reducing operational perimeters. This is your department. Let me know your proposed fix.
Kind regards,
OPC Management”
“At your earliest convenience.”
Subtext: “I want this now.”
Use: Demand quick action without stating it outright.
Example: “Please file these incident reports on the mimics in Office 32C at your earliest convenience.”
“Pivot.”
Subtext: “Something failed, so we’re moving the goalposts.”
Use: Gloss over a failed strategy while pretending to be adaptable.
Example: “Reality has broken down; I suggest we pivot to astral tethering to reduce further damage.”
SNAFU in Action:
What follows is an email that follows correct procedure to the letter*
To: [REDACTED]
CC: OPCManagement@opc.com
From: [REDACTED]
Subject: Re: ANUSS Issue, Please advise
Morning John,
I hope this email finds you well (if it finds you at all).
Per my last fifteen emails, we’ve seen about a 30 percent increase in issues with the Astral Nexus Universal Slipgate system (ANUSS). If we don’t pivot toward a synergistic-solution strategy soon, the problem will exceed actionable capability parameters—assuming it hasn’t already.
Anomalous entity activity is already creating workflow issues across all sectors. I want to touch base on that first, then assess our north-star metrics going forward.
Please get back to me at your earliest convenience. Until then, I’ll keep you in the loop. If I don’t hear from you soon, I’ll circle back, and hopefully we can run it up the flagpole once we have all our ducks in a row.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to your correspondence.
Kindest and warmest regards,
Anthony
[ASTRANET WARNING: SUBTEXT PAYLOAD ERROR — EMOTIVE OVERFLOW]
[FATAL ERROR IN OUTBOX: REALITY NODE NOT DETECTED. “JOHN” NOT FOUND.]
L̸̦͛i̶̹͠n̷̬̿k̵̫̓ ̴͖͌n̶̢͐o̸͔͘ṯ̷͠ ̸͕̐e̶̤͠s̴̡͝ṯ̵̒a̷̞͊b̴͔̕l̶̹̓i̸͇̾s̴̺͘h̴̠͛e̸͓͠d̵̞̽…
R̶͉͑e̴͗ͅt̵͓͗r̷̊ͅỷ̸̝i̶̹͐n̸̪̈ğ̵̭…
C̶̰̉ȯ̶̱r̴̖͝ȑ̷͖ǘ̷͜p̸͍͂ẗ̴̟́í̸̪o̸̦͠ṇ̶͠ ̶̖͠I̵̢͛ṅ̷͓t̸͖͆ë̶̻́n̴̮̏s̶͕̍i̸̞̊f̵̝́y̴̡̽í̵̠ņ̵̿g̵͔͊…
̵̼̊A̴̘̕s̶̹̄t̸̘̾r̸̝̀a̴̝͘N̷̊͜e̶̔ͅt̴̟͂ ̶̈́ͅF̸̠̏á̸̭i̸̒͜l̷͎̍u̶̯̿r̸̺͑é̷͙
[̵͇͂D̵̬̈Ǎ̸̝Ṭ̵̌A̴̹̋ ̷̞̉C̸̡̚O̸̭̾R̴̞͐R̸̘̒U̷̧̒P̴̱̀T̴͕̃]
*While this employee followed correct language protocol, the email triggered an Astral-Emotive Resonance Cascade that collapsed the dimension; likely due to the excess of passive-aggressive energy transmitted over AstraNet. Consider this a reminder to keep passive aggression low when communicating on astral frequencies.
SUMMARY- SNAFU OR DEATH
Following SNAFU isn’t just about best practices and looking professional; it’s a guardrail to prevent further Astral-Realm bleed-through and emotional hijacking.
Besides, OPC does not celebrate individualism. Here, the tallest blade of grass gets cut first.
Don’t be a tall blade of grass.
Circle back next week, and we’ll touch base on previously classified Cosmic Entity profiles.
Best and kindest regards,
OPC
Really puts the F-U in SNAFU
at your earliest convenience